Breakdowns and breakthroughs

Let's start with the bad news. The repeated kicks to my face as I tried to put on Little One's 'ears' this morning. The missing elf slipper which was the ONLY acceptable form of clothing today. The tears when he discovered a hole in his eventual compromise of an Iron Man costume. That sickening feeling of physically wrestling a distraught child into a carseat and simply closing the door on his cries. The shame of snapping at the older kids for no better reason than frustration. The moment, as you leave the driveway 11 minutes after school started when you seriously consider just taking everyone back inside and refusing to deal with this nonsense. Some days are just crap.

Somehow, we got to school. Somehow, everyone walked into their school with a hug and a smile. Somehow, not 10 minutes later, Littlest had me smiling with pride as he charged round the local shop asking for things to be made to go 'beep pweeeeeease!'. We made it to naptime, and I sat under the weight of his slumber and just took a breath. Some days are ok.

And then we collected Little One from school. He'd had another great day in there, and had even elected to change into 'normal' clothes mid-morning. Where was that can-do attitude this morning, kiddo? At home it was time for a bottle. 'Bottle please?' I signed and spoke. 'Gawka geeee!' he repeated as he signed along. His first ever two word sentence. After many, many kisses of praise, I made his bottle. Now he wanted to be carried to the couch where he could drink it. Again I paired the words with their sounds, not expecting to elicit much reaction now. 'Up, Mammy? Up! Mammy' and my heart stopped as he used the sign and the word for the first time. 'Mama. Puh! Mamama'. And I squealed, and I lifted him as up as I possibly can, held him high as I danced round the kitchen laughing and singing 'Come on up to Maaaammmmy, come on UP to Maaaaaammmmyyyy!'
And what did he do next? Why, the little chancer shushed me! Apparently my singing is not to his discerning tastes.
Some days are just amazing.

And that's life with additional needs. It's very much like the Irish weather in its ability to change frequently and without warning. I just need to keep practicing dancing in the rain.

One day...

Last weekend, we went on An Outing. Not an unusual way for us to spend a Sunday afternoon, but for lots of little reasons it didn't go as seamlessly as other days out.
Little One was tired and wanted to be carried, Littlest was tired and did NOT want to be carried. A walk through the fairy woods kept everyone fairly well entertained and then it was time to take in a birds of prey flight display. While the older three were impressed, Littlest was uninterested and spent his time counting and running and - unfortunately - squealing his annoyance. As it turns out, birds of prey are not all that keen on the sound of a shrieking toddler. Neither were those members of the audience unrelated to us. While we managed to make our escape pretty unscathed, as we drove home trying to keep everyone awake it was easy to think longingly of how days like that will get easier soon. After all, Littlest is turning two this week, these are exciting times!

One day, we won't need to bring buggies and slings everywhere we go.
One day, there will be no more nappies to wash. No high-chair taking up floor space in the kitchen. There'll be no crusts of toast discarded carelessly, no noses wiped on shoulders. We won't have to worry about an ill-timed 20 minute car snooze.

One day, I'll be able to cook dinner without calling out spellings over my shoulder. I will make plans with friends, and be able to keep them. I'll use the bathroom alone.

One day, they'll forget to kiss me goodbye at the school gates.
One day, they'll refuse a kiss intentionally.

One day, my nonsense songs will be met with rolled eyes instead of applause. They will realise that actually, I was never cool.
One day, they'll pack a bag for college and my heart will shatter with pride and sorrow.

One day, they'll really mean to phone but by the time they get home after work and meeting friends, it will be too late to risk waking us up.

Some days, it feels hard for us to be so urgently needed by these four interesting people who we are watching grow up. Some days, I realise that their burgeoning independence will be even harder to deal with.
One day, but not yet.