The tough days

I knew what you wanted.
Of course I did. I knew even before you did that you'd want to go with Daddy. I don't blame you, he's kinda cool! But you didn't know that I knew. How could you, when you hadn't been able to tell me what you wanted? When I was stopping you from going out the door with him?
You were so upset. You held my hands, gently tried to squeeze your thoughts into them. I was trying to tell you something, but you were too sad to pay attention. Frustrated, you started to hit my outstretched arms, but gently so that it wouldn't hurt. Those soft, tiny fists striking out with less than half your strength.

I asked you to choose a coat. Aha! We WERE going outside! You calmed, wiped the tears decisively from your face. The blue one, because it's fluffy. Excited, you carried your toy car to the door and climbed on.
'No' I signed, 'I'm sorry'
I showed you the stroller.
'No' you signed, deflated. I could see you thinking about getting angry, wondering if those little fists could make me understand. I smiled and nodded, pointing to the front door and you climbed in my arms. You held on tight for a few moments, with your still-damp cheek pressed to mine. Satisfied somehow, you climbed down and got into the stroller.

I'd love to know what went through your head. Were you remembering Wednesday? I'm still so sorry about Wednesday. I wanted you to get into the stroller at the wrong time of day. Despite what your body clock was telling you, it was time to collect Little Man.
'No' you signed. Ran away.
I followed. Picked you up. Put you in the stroller.
'No' you signed, arching your back so I couldn't strap you in.
'Yes' I signed, while my elbow prevented your escape. 'Get brother at school'
'NONONONONO' you shouted, signed and squirmed simultaneously. I was so damn proud! You were doing exactly what we've worked so hard at. Communicating clearly, orally. But I would have to ignore your wishes, without being able to tell you why. I grabbed you and ran to the kitchen press, your tears and mine mixing. A treat. Part-bribe, part-celebration of your achievement. You got into the stroller willingly then. It was only when your brother came over in the schoolyard and high-fived you that you realised I had been planning this all along. Mammy knew best.

Some days are hard. But Daddy and I have a plan. There will be more hard days, but I promise you sweetie that we are working hard on making things easier. We may not always be able to make ourselves understood, but just trust us. Together, with our arms around you, we will figure it out.